Why I still believe - in love and other things

My friend (and elders quorum pres) read the blog and asked if it was cathartic.  I have to admit I didn't know what cathartic meant - I had to look it up.  Yes, it has been a catharsis of sorts.  The original purpose was to answer the questions I would routinely get - or at least the ones I thought people wanted to ask but did not dare.  I know there are still people reading this – some have asked me to continue. I want to keep writing stuff but I’m running out of things to talk about.  I’ve told my story and given what I feel is ample warning about the mess another woman might be getting into if she is brave enough to enter my life. I don’t have much going on right now.  The highlight of my day is the phone call with my daughter when I get home from work but neither one of us is a great phone talker. I’ve been getting home at 9 p.m. so far this week and probably will be thru tomorrow – and no, that’s not normal. I’m usually home by 4 in the afternoon.
I’m watching the mailbox like a hawk because I am expecting a signed divorce decree any day now - which will make me officially a free man. Did you ever watch the Clio (not sure I spelled that right) awards when you were a kid? The Clio awards were the ones they handed out to the best TV commercials. I don’t know why but I have always remembered one in particular. I don’t think it won anything but it was very clever. It starts out with just a white screen and in the back ground you can hear the sound of someone cutting something with a hacksaw. This goes on for like 20 seconds and then suddenly a large ball with a chain attached falls into view and rolls across the screen. Then a simple graphic comes up showing the name of a law firm followed by “Divorce Attorneys” – then their phone number. I’ve always thought that was funny. I’m not saying April was a ball and chain, but my marriage has sure become one. A lifeless weight that’s keeping me tied down. I’m ready to get on with things. I had to leave work today for an hour (unfortunately I had to go back) to go tidy up the house and put the dog away for a showing tonight – of course I stopped at the mailbox. Nothing today - hopefully tomorrow. I have been thinking about some things I want to write about. I need to explain my gun collection so as to give fair warning to anyone considering getting involved with me who might have a problem with guns in the house. Also, how all of this has affected my faith. There are a few others too. One I have thought a little bit about of late is this one:

Why I still believe in Love

Some who read my story might think I would have a reason to be bitter or cynical - and I could see their point. I've had some pretty crappy things happen to me. What is my answer to that? This:  A lot of people have had much worse things happen to them - and so many of them are happy in spite of it all. Happiness is so much a choice. I guess I don't want my failures and bad experiences to define me - I don't want to be the guy who couldn't forgive, rise up, move on, look for the good in people, trust again, etc. It has been said that that which does not kill us makes us stronger - I'm not dead so I must be stronger - and I think in some ways wiser. I really feel like someone out there has been waiting for me - someone is looking for Kevin 2.0, the new and improved and slightly more polished version of the former rough stone with his mad new skills. I don't know - I at least hope that is the case. I truly look forward to the journey - wherever it takes me. I have felt increasingly over the last couple of months like there are much better days ahead. Maybe it’s because my divorce should be final this week (my lawyer told me yesterday that the judge was scheduled to sign everything last Friday – woohoo!). I guess I still believe in love because I need it. I need someone to laugh and cry with, share failures and triumphs -burdens and joys with. Doing those things alone sucks. If possible, I would like more kids. I feel that my story is not complete - rather that it is just beginning. I need someone with whom I can weave the rest of the tale and see what pattern emerges. One thing I have learned is that you really just don’t know where life will take you but that it’s possible to be happy no matter what happens to you. Here are two quotes that make a lot of sense to me now – more so than when I first read them:
Gordon B. Hinckley once said he enjoyed the words of Jenkins Lloyd Jones written in a 1973 Deseret News column:
"Anyone who imagines that bliss is normal is going to waste a lot of time running around shouting that he's been robbed.
"Most putts don't drop. Most beef is tough. Most children grow up to be just people. Most successful marriages require a high degree of mutual toleration. Most jobs are more often dull than otherwise.
"Life is like an old-time rail journey — delays, sidetracks, smoke, dust, cinders and jolts, interspersed only occasionally by beautiful vistas and thrilling bursts of speed. The trick is to thank the Lord for letting you have the ride."
Abraham Lincoln summed it up this way: "Most folks are about as happy as they make their minds up to be".

I don’t have anything to top either of those so I’ll leave it at that.

Ha! this was my most rambling post yet, but I'm going to leave it as is.  I must be a little tired after getting off work so late.  I promise I haven't been drinking!  I want to keep writing because it makes me feel connected to the world though I would much rather have someone to talk to. I have a couple of posts left in me but I hope that by the time I write them that I will be free to move forward.  Then, who knows what will happen.  I don't - and it doesn't bother me...