My Story Part five - Sleepless in South Weber

I'll apologize up front for the title of this post - I couldn't help it - but I have seriously had a lot of sleepless nights wondering what I should have done differently - and how things might have been.  I have gotten no answers.  So by now I feel like the guy pulled over on the freeway getting a ticket - or better yet, the one who flipped his car over and was able to crawl out and now notices that everyone is slowing down to get a look at the poor idiot who has had his world turned upside down.  The difference is I'm OK with the rubber-neckers. This has been a really good thing for me.  I appreciate all of the kind remarks and encouragement.  I've said it before - I don't want sympathy or to make April look bad.  I'm still not sure it was the best idea - I just feel increasingly compelled to tell the story.

I found out a couple of days ago that my mom read my story to my dad on their way home from Saint George - neither one of them had any idea how bad things were at the worst times - my fault not theirs.  I really have learned the importance of getting things out in the open and not being afraid to ask for help.  Maybe if I had written all of this 3 years ago I wouldn't be doing it now. So many what ifs - too many.  It's really not fair to ask those questions.  Hind sight is always 20/20.  When you are in the middle of dealing with something difficult you really can't see the forest for the trees.  I'm an engineer and a big part of my job is making 3-dimensional computer models of machine assemblies and making sure they fit together properly.  There have been times where I have been staring at my computer wondering why stuff isn't quite working and someone will walk  up behind me and say - hey, dummy, your problem is right there.  Sure enough - sometimes we are just too close to the problem to see it.  Maybe that's why good consultants make so much money.  They can walk into a situation, quickly identify the problem and offer a solution.  Done.  We could have used someone like that...

So I said at the end of the last post that about a year ago there was a ray of hope for us.  I thought we still had a chance.

April and I were both miserable and didn't know how to be un-miserable.  While my performance at work suffered a little I had thrown myself at church because I got a lot of positive feedback from my friends there and it helped me to recharge my batteries every week.  Because both of the girls were sleeping in until church was over I was going by myself every week (though about half the time I could get Haley to come with me).  I had no idea what to do.  I fought with April, I pleaded with her, I tried just letting things be and I tried motivating her.  I felt like if I could get her out of the house and back to church where she had some really good friends that it would help her out of her funk.  She had been to counseling before and didn't want to go back.  Instead, it was my turn.  She convinced me that I had a passive-aggressive personality and that if I could change that then things would get better.  I didn't know what else to do so I did it.  I went to LDS family services to learn how to be a better communicator.  It was awful.  When you get there you kind of look around at the others who are there and it feels like prison in that you want to ask "what are you in for?".  The assumptions (as unfair as they are) are that the teenage girls are pregnant, the men are all porn addicts and the women are depressed.  It was uncomfortable to say the least.  My heart wasn't in it because I didn't feel like I needed to be there and that it was her last ditch effort to see if I was willing to try to make it work.  I didn't do all of the stuff the counselor had asked me to and I eventually quit going.
About a year later she convinced me to go again - this time with an 'or else' ultimatum.  I went and really liked the counsellor but again, I just didn't see the point.  I didn't feel like it was just me that needed help.  She came with me to a couple of the sessions and I think the counsellor was a little surprised at how hostile she was.  He did say something that I found interesting.  He said that some married couples may not fully and completely understand each other until they are dead - when our mortal limitations are lifted.  Until then we just have to love each other and do our best to give and take.  And it's totally possible to be happy that way.   She became incensed at that - I thought it made perfect sense.
Without going into mundane details I will shorten the story.  I learned some new skills and put them into action and for awhile it seemed to be working.  We communicated a little better and the hostilities seemed to be abated.
Last November we went on a trip to Mexico with all of April's family and it was incredible.  We had such a great time - best trip I have ever been on, hands down.  I have to share some of the photos because it was a truly beautiful place.  We rented a huge beach house in Akumal, Mexico which is about 75 miles south of Cancun and is beautiful.  It was a riot!  It was a truly relaxing vacation.  We could literally walk out the back door of the beach house, grab our snorkel stuff and go exploring.  We caught a sea turtle, I found a conch shell and I even came face to face with a shark (yeah, I almost peed my pants - it was as big as I am.  The funny thing is that it was a nurse shark - no teeth.  I didn't know that.  My brother-in-law had a good laugh at my expense.  I must have looked pretty funny).

Sunrise off the back patio the morning we left to come home.

Akumal beach - great place to snorkel.

The Longs (all of them) and the Webbers.

The trip to Mexico seemed like a turning point.  We got along well and had a very relaxing and enjoyable time - what a vacation really should be.
Funny story  -  sorry but I have to keep injecting these into the story and I think it's for two reasons: 1) It keeps the story from being so depressing and 2) We really did have some great times!.
OK, here's the story:  we were all feeding frozen peas to the large schools of fish that frequent the shallows.  They would come right up to you and eat the peas out of your hand. The kids thought this was the about the coolest thing on earth - and it was really fun.

April researched and then bought an underwater case for the Flip video camera.  It was really cool and worked great.  One neat thing about Flip cameras is that you can extract still photos from the videos. 

There were hundreds of these little fish.

Yes that is a large sting ray and yes, Brady has it by the tail.

Catching sea turtles is one of his specialties.  I'm sure it's illegal but it was neat to see them so up close.

Well, my brother-in-law, the human fish and marine science expert just has to touch everything (as you can see from the above photos).  That's why, when we were feeding those fish and someone (I think it might have been April) screamed 'Octopus!' he was immediately on top of it and had his hands on it.  I was kind of far away and so I don't remember the exact sequence of events but this is what I saw:  there was a (I want to say Greek) family sitting in the shallows letting the small waves lap at their feet, some were half in and half out of the water. They were all just minding their own business, relaxing and enjoying a beautiful day at the beach.  Well octopus (or is it octopii?) are very quick but Brady had cornered it  under a rock (I think) near this Greek family when the dad walks over and says, "what are you guys looking at."  Just as Brady says the word 'octopus' he grabs it.  Well, needless to say, octopii do not like being handled!  It immediately inked, darted away and latched on to this poor guys leg.  This was about the time I had turned around to see what was going on.  I will never forget the way that guy screamed - you would have thought it was a shark attack.  It was contagious - as his entire family (it seemed like there were at least fifteen of them) started screaming and jumped up and stampeded out of the surf.  It's a good thing grandma wasn't in the way or she would have been trampled.  It didn't end there - they ran all the way up the beach and scaled the 4 foot retaining wall 25 yards away. All we could see of any of them was their eyeballs frantically scanning back and forth over the top of the wall as we could hear them animatedly chattering in some foreign language.  We laughed so hard we cried.  Every day during that trip someone would say 'octopus!' and we would all bust a gut.  There were some truly great times on that trip - and other trips that we took.  I wish the good times could have spilled over and helped during the bad times.  It might have helped (another 'what if').
Continuing on:  she also had gone to education week at BYU last summer and listened to a speaker that really resonated with her.  He had had a bad experience with adoption too - worse than ours.  I don't recall all of the details so I won't attempt to pass them on but his experience was heart breaking.  Later when people would ask him to interpret the reasons why they had passed through certain trials in their own lives and get his advice on what to do he would tell them:  "I don't know, live longer and it will make sense later!" and he meant it.  I love that.  We always want answers up front like we can go through the drive up window and demand things 'our way'.  We don't know why (at least I don't) we are asked to pass through certain nasty things that we think we didn't sign up for.  This message struck a chord with her too.  She seemed genuinely touched by this good man's message and it seemed to make sense to her.  I thought it would be the beginning of better days and it seemed to help.
Christmas came and it was really  a good time - a happy time.  She told me I was doing everything she wanted and with the new year coming I was optimistic that things would work out.  Our new church time was 1 p.m. to 4 p.m. and she had indicated that it would be easier for her to attend at that time and that she would start coming.  There was a light at the end of the tunnel!
Well, sometimes that light is an oncoming train. 
The girls had been working on me for a long time to get a cat.  I don't have much use for cats and never have.  Dogs are such loyal and good friends and are always glad to see you while, to me, cats are the antithesis of dogs in that they just do whatever they want whenever they want.  But I was feeling good about things and wanted to keep the positive momentum going so I thought, why not?  So on January 6th they had found a lady who was looking for a home for her cats and I agreed to go with them to look at it.  We ended up getting one of the two and bringing it home.  The girls were instantly in love with him (we originally thought it was a boy but it ended up being a girl - or maybe it was the other way around I can't remember - and yes I know how to tell, I just didn't look that closely). 
At one point during that night I had, out of the blue, this feeling that I needed to check her phone.  I had never had that thought before - ever.  I looked in her email inbox and didn't see anything unusual but felt I needed to dig a little deeper.  I looked in her outbox and her deleted mail.  What I saw was a game changer.  It was as if I had just been kicked in the stomach and the world had stopped turning momentarily.  I will not say what I saw - only that it had been going on for a pretty long time - even back to when I was 'fixing' my personality (almost a year).  I was shocked but somehow knew I shouldn't have been.  I didn't want to make a scene or do anything rash so I just went to bed and laid there all night wondering what to do.  I knew it was over and that we would not recover from this but I didn't know what to say to her.  I was hurt deeply and feared that I would say something I would regret - and that Haley would hear it.   I will always remember the date this all happened because the next day was my 38th birthday.  I called my brother-in-law in the morning when I got to work to tell him what had happened and he said to just send them down there.  It was kind of an unspoken plan we had for 'just in case'.  Not wanting to talk to her I sent her an email asking her to go to her brother's house and to plan on a long stay.  They moved in with her brother and Haley was enrolled in school with her cousins (where she has been attending ever since) and has done remarkably well.
I have only seen April up close once since January 6 of this year and that was at mediation in August. We still can't talk on the phone (her choice not mine) and I would really like to at times so we can talk about Haley - I don't really like texting or emailing everything (as much as I like my iPhone I still hate typing on it).
So there it is.  That is how I ended up divorced.  There are details I have not include and I'm sure April would have a very different take on some of the things that happened and how I reacted to them but that is my side of the story.  I know I wasn't a perfect husband (poop head), but who is?  I really did try.  I have debated a couple of times about just taking the whole blog down - I don't know how fair it is to her to do this but it has helped me to process what happened.  I don't think I have been unfair in telling the story.  Most importantly I wanted family and friends to know that I did not easily lay my marriage aside and that April had very real reasons to be as sad as she has been.  I feel badly for her.  I feel like I failed her in that I couldn't help her.  She is still in pain.  Haley adores her mom and I know it hurts her to see her mother like this.  I wish she could be happy.  I think that is why we are counselled not to judge one another.  We really don't have the ability to see one another's hearts and minds - especially when they have been injured deeply.
So here I am.  Living in a mostly empty house waiting for it to sell and looking for a new job that will get me in closer proximity to my daughter.  My precious daughter who doesn't deserve any of this...
I am in a holding pattern of sorts - waiting, waiting, waiting. The story of my life for the past 9 months.  I realize that I have opened myself up to criticism and may be shooting myself in the foot by laying myself bare like this but I just needed to get the story out there.  Early on in the time we were separated my neighbor across the street emailed me the following quote from Teddy Roosevelt which has become a favorite and has brought me some solace:

It is not the critic who counts,
nor the man who points out how the strong man stumbled,
or where the doer of deeds could have done them better.
The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena,
whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood;
... who strives valiantly;
who errs and comes short again and again;
who knows great enthusiasms, great devotions;
who spends himself in a worthy cause;
who, at the best, knows in the end the triumph of high achievement,
and who, at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly,
so that his place shall never be with those timid souls
who know neither victory nor defeat.

So, what's next?  Wouldn't I love to be able to answer that question!?
I think that for my heart to fully heal I need to be able to give it away again. I need to be able to love and trust again but the bare-naked truth is I'm scared to death to do it (though that won't be enough to keep me from trying).
One of the reasons I have written this is so that anyone entertaining the idea of joining this train wreck will know what they are getting themselves into.  I have baggage:  though I will never refer to my daugther as baggage it is complicated to integrate children into a new marriage, I am financially obligated to my (soon to be) ex-wife, I am pretty much starting over financially, I don't know how April will react to someone new, etc.
I have my quirks too:  some people don't get my sense of humor, I snore (at least I have been told I do but that may have changed since I lost all the weight), I'm still introverted.  My fear is that I will find someone I like and we will get married and then she will say, 'so that's why he was hard to live with'. 

But I really feel like someone is out there looking for someone just like me.  Whoever you are and wherever you are (whether our paths have already crossed or not), for when I find you and recognize you for who you are, I say this:  I don't care what happens in the future just don't quit!  Don't give up on me, don't give up on yourself, just don't give up!
Until then I will continue to wait, to stick it to the devil by doing my best Forrest Gump impersonation (the running part, not the 'stupid is as stupid does' part), and hope for a brighter day.
You haven't heard the last from me.  I still have things to say and will need to fill some of my idle time constructively.  If you have read this far - thank you for your interest in my story.  It's not over yet...