Sticking it to the Devil

Before I write this I need to say this: this is all for me. I don't care who reads it (if anyone does) but I need the outlet. I need to tell my story. I'm not much of a talker when it comes to personal stuff but I have always been able to write. Mostly because I can write, read, and rewrite it until it's right. When I talk sometimes my mouth gets a little ahead of my brain. Writing gives me a buffer. I read a funny quote about engineers the other day by Cory Doctorow (who I believe is a science fiction author): "All engineers are basically high-functioning autistics who have no idea how normal people do stuff". I don't know if I'm that bad but I do resemble the remark. Here is one question that has occupied a lot of my time:  How do I really see myself in the context of my divorce? I honestly see myself as a devoted husband who did everything possible to save his marriage to the woman he loved but ultimately failed. That hurts more than anything. More than the years of patiently waiting for a change, and more than the broken promises and broken trust. I failed. I know it's not one sided but I hate to fail at things - especially one as fundamental and important as this. So, if you are reading this, thank you for your time.  I hope that in some way it is worth it to you…

STICKING IT TO THE DEVIL

Some friends and family have asked me, "dude, what's with all the running?” I have given various answers about needing to be more healthy, wanting to impress future romantic prospects (I need all the help I can get), or just having too much time on my hands. There is truth in all of them but the most accurate one is that I'm doing my best to stick it to the devil. Let me explain.

I have been running off and on for about 3 years now. Initially it was because I went in for a check up with the doctor in which I was told to basically get my big butt (all 205 lbs of it) off the couch and get more fit or I would very likely end up like 3 of my grand parents and my dad - all of whom have (had) diabetes. He warned me that the biggest risk factor for males is to be overweight, i.e., have a big butt and a big gut – and I was guilty on both counts.

So I decided to take up running. I started on the tread mill in the front room because I didn't want my neighbors to see me torturing myself (“why is Webber trying to kill himself?”). I got comfortable on the treadmill and could run continuously, although slowly, for 30-40 minutes. At that point I decided to take it to the pavement because I thought I was ready. Boy was I in for a surprise! Paved surfaces are much harder than treadmills and are not flat! I didn't even know I had iliotibial bands until I started running outside but we became acquainted rather quickly. They would get so sore that I couldn’t walk the day after a run. I felt defeated. When I was in high school and playing soccer I could eat half of the menu at McDonald's and then turn right around and run 3 miles. Well, almost 20 years of relative inactivity can take their toll. Fortunately I didn't quit. I learned how to treat sore I.T. bands and shin splints and figured out how to avoid irritating them: don't go too fast or too far too soon - which brings me to a great lesson I have learned from running (which has an analogy in real life): run at your own pace and don't worry about the people (even the older women!) passing you. It took them time to get where they are. If you stick with it you will get there too.

So I kept at it. I lost about 10 lbs. and felt pretty good about my progress. I could run 3-4 miles at about 5.5 mph and was getting closer to my recommended weight. I kept at it intermittently for a couple of years and maintained a pretty casual (and love/hate) relationship with running.

Then in January of this year all hell broke loose and my life was shattered into a million pieces - my marriage ended after almost 15 years. I found myself alone for the first time in a long, long time.

I have to admit that living alone was fun for those first few weeks! I could come home from work and do whatever I wanted whenever I wanted to do it. I watched sports and "24", enjoyed a steady diet of Hagen-Dazs ice cream, and ate a lot of takeout and did it all with my increasingly bigger butt on the couch. I was living the dream!

Unfortunately (or perhaps fortunately) I was also miserable. I didn’t feel well, I wasn’t sleeping at night, and my clothes started to feel a little tighter. I slogged on for a couple of months just keeping my head above water. Then I had one of those rare moments of clarity where, for one brief instant, you take a good look in the mirror and see “things as they really are”. You see the bags under your eyes, your man boobs, and your pot belly and the trajectory of your life becomes visible and you realize a course correction is necessary – and it (thankfully) becomes alarming. I saw that I was being ‘acted upon’ like Jacob taught (2 Nephi 2:14). In such moments as these you realize you have a choice “to act for (yourself) and not to be acted upon” (2 Nephi 2:26) or you can let the devil drag you down to hell. I love the imagery Nephi used to describe one way this can happen to us:

And others will he pacify, and lull them away into carnal security, that they will say: All is well in Zion; yea, Zion prospereth, all is well—and thus the devil cheateth their souls, and leadeth them away carefully down to hell. (2 Nephi 28:21)

...and he leadeth them by the neck with a flaxen cord, until he bindeth them with his strong cords forever. (2 Nephi 26:22)

The devil is no dummy. He knows he can never shout in your face and get you to jump off a cliff. No, he will first get your attention with the view from the safety of the path. Once he notices he has your attention he will whisper that the view is better if you get closer – it’s OK to climb over the hand rail, you can always come right back. Can’t see the whole view? If you get right up to the edge you can see all the way down to the bottom of the canyon, it really is beautiful. The safety of the sidewalk is still in sight, one little look won’t hurt. Once he has you on the cusp all it takes is a gentle nudge and you’re done for.

He uses a flaxen cord - flax is a fibrous plant which can be used to weave linens. You would notice if someone walked up to you and slammed a big chain around your neck. But a linen scarf? It would be almost imperceptible yet it would be strong enough to pull on gently. That’s how he works. Subtlety and cunning.

Lehi, shortly before his death, after watching his oldest sons being acted upon for so long, begged them to take action:

21....arise from the dust, my sons, and be men, … that ye may not come down into captivity;
22 That ye may not be cursed with a sore cursing; and also, that ye may not incur the displeasure of a just God upon you, unto the destruction, yea, the eternal destruction of both soul and body.
23 Awake, my sons; put on the armor of righteousness. Shake off the chains with which ye are bound, and come forth out of obscurity, and arise from the dust.  (2 Nephi 1:21 - 23)

Life had knocked my big butt into the dusty street. I was the most vulnerable I have ever been in my life. I was sad, depressed, tired, confused, and mad all at the same time. The devil loves to see us in this condition because we are easy targets. He can walk right up to you and put his cord around your neck and get you to neglect important things and start to focus on seemingly innocent distractions and he does it almost without us noticing. I had quit doing some of the things that had sustained me through the last couple of difficult years. Before this all happened I had some very good habits. I read the Book of Mormon twice last year, and when I did run, I listened to general conference, I was glad to go to church (even though I went alone), I was (and still am) in the elders quorum presidency, etc.

Well, things can change rather quickly. When you get slugged in the gut it can really take your breath away and it can take time to get it back. I slacked off on reading my scriptures, my prayers became obligatory and insincere, and going to church became a monumental task (though I am proud to say I have not missed once since the girls moved out). Life can spiral out of control.

So how am I sticking it to the devil? Let me clarify that I am not dumb enough to get into a street fight with Old Scratch. He will kick your ass if you let him. You don’t have to look any farther than the increasing number of broken families all around us. I watched him methodically and painfully destroy the woman I once loved. Adding insult to injury is the fact that he thinks it’s funny. Consider the following which is one of only 2 (I think) triple wo’s in the B of M:

Wo, wo, wo unto this people; wo unto the inhabitants of the whole earth except they shall repent; for the devil laugheth, and his angels rejoice, because of the slain of the fair sons and daughters of my people; and it is because of their iniquity and abominations that they are fallen! (3 Nephi 9:2)

He laughs when we screw up and is delighted when he can get a leash on us. He had me right where he wanted me. I think that the preparation of the previous couple of years prepared me for the last several months and gave me strength to get up and get going. I am thankful for that – and also the prayers of others. If you don’t know what to say to someone who is suffering through something tough – you can pray for them and they will feel it. I know I have.

I have also, sometimes out of the blue, remembered things I have read, seen and heard.  For some reason I have always recalled the caption on a painting I saw at the MTC almost 20 years ago. The painting was of a ship at sea during a violent storm. The caption read - 'All the water in the world can't sink a ship unless it gets inside'. Duh, who doesn't know that? Well, having now been the ship without a safe harbor at sea during a raging storm - I can attest that those simple words are true. The storms of life can howl and rage all around us but if we can stay faithful, we can stay safe.

12 And now, my sons, remember, remember that it is upon the rock of our Redeemer, who is Christ, the Son of God, that ye must build your foundation; that when the devil shall send forth his mighty winds, yea, his shafts in the whirlwind, yea, when all his hail and his mighty storm shall beat upon you, it shall have no power over you to drag you down to the gulf of misery and endless wo, because of the rock upon which ye are built, which is a sure foundation, a foundation whereon if men build they cannot fall. (Helaman 5:12)

So I rededicated myself to putting on my armor EVERY day. I got rid of Netflix and DirecTV and gave the Wii to the girls (and you know what? I don’t miss any of them). I got into a routine and started again doing the little things that invite the spirit and keep the devil at bay. He cannot touch me so long as I have my armor on - not even with his 'fiery darts'.

So why running? Running is a very effective way to subdue the natural man. It is one way that I act in order to avoid being acted upon. At least five times per week, whether I feel like it or not I lace up the shoes and take out my frustrations on South Weber Drive. Aside from being the only legal source of endorphins for a single guy living alone it helps me channel the pain of divorce. And yes divorce is painful. Along with the emotional and spiritual pain there is real, physical pain – the physical pain has been has been the most surprising to me. It has diminished lately but for a long time there was an ever present heaviness and dull ache - and it hurt. I channel the pain and anguish of what I have been through the last several months into the pain in: my 38 year old legs, my chest, the cramp in my neck that sometimes shows up around mile one (weird, I know), the side aches, and the sweat that stings my eyes. It hurts to run! The only thing I really enjoy about it is that it feels so good to stop! But it is paying off - physically, emotionally and spiritually. I can now run 7 miles without stopping, puking or dying. I am below 180 lbs for the first time in a long, long time. I feel strong again and I even got my sense of humor back (boy did I miss it!).

I actually like the hills. I run up them as fast as I can. It makes me feel powerful and in control of my life (even when I'm not). I imagine a host of the devils 'angels' trying to catch up but they can't. For as long as I am healthy enough to do it I will continue to run. All the devil and his so called angels will see of me are the soles of my running shoes and the back of my head bobbing up and down. I will give them no reason to laugh at me.

The biggest and most important reason for all of this is my beautiful daughter. She needs me to be on my ‘A game’ every single moment of every living day. I cannot let her down by not being ready to give her a blessing, not being able to teach her the gospel with conviction, or just not being there - I would certainly do her no favors if I died prematurely because I didn't take care of myself.

So to the devil and his miserable band I say this: catch me if you can because I am not looking back!